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Old 09-19-2013, 04:47 AM   #1
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 14,908
Bon Mot,


-As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. --John Glenn

-Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin". --Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

-When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said "Let us pray". We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land. --Desmond Tutu

-I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall". --Eleanor Roosevelt

-America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked. --David Letterman

-Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. --Mark Twain

-I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a billionaire. --Howard Hughes

-After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box. --Italian proverb

-The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. --George Burns

-Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years. --Betsy Salkind

-Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. --Victor Borge

-The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats. --Jean Kerr

-Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. --Mark Twain

-You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't. --Jeff Foxworthy

-By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. --Socrates

-When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. --Prince Philip

-I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. --Groucho Marx

-Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. --Harrison Ford

-My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. --Jimmy Durante

-The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree. --Spike Milligan

-I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. --Zsa Zsa Gabor

-Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke. --Robin Hall

-Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. --Alex Levine

-Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror. --Jean Rostand.

-My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. --Rodney Dangerfield

-Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million. --Arnold Schwarzenegger.

-Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. --Spike Milligan

-We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. --WH Auden

-Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. --Joe Namath

-In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked. --Jonathan Katz

-I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. --Bob Hope

-If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. --Johnny Carson

-I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. --W. C. Fields

-I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very sceptical. --Arthur C. Clarke

-We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. --Will Rogers

-Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. --Steve Martin

-Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. --Winston Churchill

-Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. --Jimmy Durante

-Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. --Phyllis Diller

-America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. --Doug Hamwell

-By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. --Billy Crystal

-The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. --George Roberts

-If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport. --Jonathan Winters

-I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. --Robert Benchley
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