Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
 
Old 04-03-2014, 01:18 PM   #21
TF Site Team
 
ksanders's Avatar
 
City: SEWARD ALASKA
Country: USA
Vessel Name: LISAS WAY
Vessel Model: BAYLINER 4788
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 3,952
Actually the last two posts regarding spouses might sound funny, but they are not all that inaccurate.

So we've established that we are all different, and that we all have our own dreams and aspirations, and that that's ok.

If a person is in a spousal situation, and if in that situation either person does not recognize and respect the other persons dreams, hopes, desires, then that creates a situation where a continued relationship might need to be re-evaluated.

The concept here is that again we only get one little life to live, one shot at this life. A relationship cannot be one sided either way.

A good example of this, and I'll side with the spouses here is if we have a dream of cruising, and if that dream means spending so much of our financial resources that our spouses dreams are unobtainable as a result.

We need to be careful that we do not create that situation. On the flip side we need to be firm that if our spouses dreams are met we should not be denied our dreams just because they are expensive by nature.

Sometimes its more complex and nobody's at fault. Sometimes a couple that share the same hopes, dreams, and desires in their youth, do not share those same hopes, dreams, and desires in their 50's or 60's. I'm guessing that many of us that want a cruising lifestyle fall into that situation with our spouses.

The trick is how to reconcile those differences. It takes compromise. It might also mean cruising alone some, with the admrial meeting up with you. It might even mean cruising less as a compromise. Compromise is good, giving up on your dreams is not.
__________________
Advertisement

__________________
Kevin Sanders
Bayliner 4788
Seward, Alaska
www.mvlisasway.com
ksanders is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-03-2014, 02:47 PM   #22
Guru
 
Tom.B's Avatar
 
City: Cary, NC
Country: USA
Vessel Name: Skinny Dippin'
Vessel Model: Navigator 4200 Classic
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 5,152
What I find very weird here is how any spouse could ever NOT have the same "dreams" as the other. Bess and I are in lockstep with our future. Always have been. If we don't agree on the big stuff, we don't do it. Sure, we have some side hobbies that aren't always the same (racing vs. yoga), but something as big as cruising or even just boat ownership in general, is just an all-encompassing lifestyle, I can't POSSIBLY fathom couples doing that separately. How can any man (or woman) possibly enjoy something without your chosen life partner by their side to share it with?
__________________

__________________
2000 Navigator 4200 Classic
(NOT a trawler)
Tom.B is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-03-2014, 03:13 PM   #23
Moderator Emeritus
 
jwnall's Avatar
 
City: St. Marks, Florida
Country: US
Vessel Name: Morgan
Vessel Model: Gulfstar 36
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,621
Somehow, Tom, I have just never pictured you as a yoga guy. Guess one just never knows.
__________________
John
jwnall is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-03-2014, 04:03 PM   #24
Guru
 
Tom.B's Avatar
 
City: Cary, NC
Country: USA
Vessel Name: Skinny Dippin'
Vessel Model: Navigator 4200 Classic
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 5,152
Yea. I like Key Lime Pie flavored.
__________________
2000 Navigator 4200 Classic
(NOT a trawler)
Tom.B is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-03-2014, 05:03 PM   #25
TF Site Team
 
ksanders's Avatar
 
City: SEWARD ALASKA
Country: USA
Vessel Name: LISAS WAY
Vessel Model: BAYLINER 4788
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 3,952
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tom.B View Post
What I find very weird here is how any spouse could ever NOT have the same "dreams" as the other. Bess and I are in lockstep with our future. Always have been. If we don't agree on the big stuff, we don't do it. Sure, we have some side hobbies that aren't always the same (racing vs. yoga), but something as big as cruising or even just boat ownership in general, is just an all-encompassing lifestyle, I can't POSSIBLY fathom couples doing that separately. How can any man (or woman) possibly enjoy something without your chosen life partner by their side to share it with?
Tom, it sounds like you and your admiral are very much in tune with each other, and think alike. That is wonderful.

My admiral and I have our individual dreams. In some instances those dreams overlap, in other instances they do not, and its not just boats. I am an individual person, and so is my wife. We are not extensions of each other's personality, we are both independent creatures, drawn together through a common bond.

What we have, something that has matured over time is a respect for our individualism, and an agreed acceptance of our commonality and our differences.

Our doing things together falls along the same lines. I want to explore. I am driven to it in ways that are not explainable. I have a life history, long before my wife and I met of being an explorer. In fact we would not have met if I hadn't dropped everything on a dream of becoming an Alaskan Bush Pilot.

I cherish my wife very much, but that does not change the part of my personality, or quench my drive to explore. The great thing is that she respects that. That is part of what attracted her to me in the first place.

I often kid with her that she would have been happier marrying an accountant, but she didn't. She married an adventurer. She has been there, and will I'm sure will be there for whatever hair brained adventure I come up with next.

Sometimes kicking and screaming, but she has led a more exciting, certainly a more frightening, and in some ways a more fulfilling life, because of her choice in me as a husband.

And yes, I moved to Alaska, became a Alaskan Bush pilot, almost died many many times along the way, and had a GREAT time of it.
__________________
Kevin Sanders
Bayliner 4788
Seward, Alaska
www.mvlisasway.com
ksanders is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-03-2014, 05:54 PM   #26
Guru
 
BandB's Avatar
 
City: Fort Lauderdale
Country: USA
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 13,105
Quote:
Originally Posted by ksanders View Post
Tom, it sounds like you and your admiral are very much in tune with each other, and think alike. That is wonderful.

My admiral and I have our individual dreams. In some instances those dreams overlap, in other instances they do not, and its not just boats. I am an individual person, and so is my wife. We are not extensions of each other's personality, we are both independent creatures, drawn together through a common bond.

What we have, something that has matured over time is a respect for our individualism, and an agreed acceptance of our commonality and our differences.

Our doing things together falls along the same lines. I want to explore. I am driven to it in ways that are not explainable. I have a life history, long before my wife and I met of being an explorer. In fact we would not have met if I hadn't dropped everything on a dream of becoming an Alaskan Bush Pilot.

I cherish my wife very much, but that does not change the part of my personality, or quench my drive to explore. The great thing is that she respects that. That is part of what attracted her to me in the first place.

I often kid with her that she would have been happier marrying an accountant, but she didn't. She married an adventurer. She has been there, and will I'm sure will be there for whatever hair brained adventure I come up with next.

Sometimes kicking and screaming, but she has led a more exciting, certainly a more frightening, and in some ways a more fulfilling life, because of her choice in me as a husband.

And yes, I moved to Alaska, became a Alaskan Bush pilot, almost died many many times along the way, and had a GREAT time of it.
I guess it's threads like this that make us feel even more blessed. We are totally different personalities and certainly pursued different professions, but we also share the same passions in life. Now that is largely because we've shared them with each other along the way. We've learned from each other along the way. I was a boater and she leaped into boating and her passion equaled mine. Music too. When it came to people and friends then I learned from her. We continue to learn together.

Quite honestly, if she suddenly had a passion for Chilean art then I'd soon have that same passion from just hearing about it from her and then seeing what it was all about. I'm the business person but she's now equally involved and brings something so special to it.

I know many couples would kill each other if they spent as much time together as we do (not literally). We recognize that we aren't the norm. We respect those who are different. Still, we can't honestly understand what it feels like to not share your partner's passion.

I hope the OP can find a way with their wife of bringing their passions in line. Find those parts that are common and shared, minimize the impact of the others. Maybe it's a RV. Maybe a smaller or larger boat. Maybe it's boating in different places, a charter in the BVI or one in Australia.

When I use to travel on business we both were miserable and talked every night on the phone. I know most were able to do it easier. I honestly think in our case it's all we went through before we were together and what we had to go through to be together. Nothing typical about how we got here or about us today.

I would say this. If anyone and their wife are struggling with this and talking to each other about it gets them nowhere, then find a counselor who can constructively help guide those discussions to some progress.
BandB is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-03-2014, 06:24 PM   #27
Guru
 
City: Pensacola
Country: USA
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 748
I want to make a point of clarification after reading this last post. My marriage is fine. This isn't about giving up my dream. It's about compromise and my wife gets physically ill when sleeping aboard. I have a career in the Navy with lots of sea duty. To me it is natural. But not so for others. What once was a great idea was supplanted by s condo on the water and a marina and access to the water. A smaller boat is more ideal and day tripping is more in line with my family solar power.

Lastly, I am not going to be without a boat, I will get another, and chartering a boat with the skills I learned while owning this one, is a nearer dream and one that I can transfer the risk and do so solo.

So please rest easy this isn't a marriage crisis.
Blue Heron is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-03-2014, 06:57 PM   #28
TF Site Team
 
ksanders's Avatar
 
City: SEWARD ALASKA
Country: USA
Vessel Name: LISAS WAY
Vessel Model: BAYLINER 4788
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 3,952
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blue Heron View Post
I want to make a point of clarification after reading this last post. My marriage is fine. This isn't about giving up my dream. It's about compromise and my wife gets physically ill when sleeping aboard. I have a career in the Navy with lots of sea duty. To me it is natural. But not so for others. What once was a great idea was supplanted by s condo on the water and a marina and access to the water. A smaller boat is more ideal and day tripping is more in line with my family solar power.

Lastly, I am not going to be without a boat, I will get another, and chartering a boat with the skills I learned while owning this one, is a nearer dream and one that I can transfer the risk and do so solo.

So please rest easy this isn't a marriage crisis.
After reading your last post I have to agree that its probably best to sell your boat, and for a couple of reasons.

Your dream wasn't something you actually need a large boat for. I say that because a condo with a marina and a day boat appear from your post to fill the dream. It also fits in better with your wife, so it is win win situation.

If you would have posted that your dream was to cruise the world, my advice would be different.
__________________
Kevin Sanders
Bayliner 4788
Seward, Alaska
www.mvlisasway.com
ksanders is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-03-2014, 07:02 PM   #29
Guru
 
BandB's Avatar
 
City: Fort Lauderdale
Country: USA
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 13,105
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blue Heron View Post
I want to make a point of clarification after reading this last post. My marriage is fine. This isn't about giving up my dream. It's about compromise and my wife gets physically ill when sleeping aboard. I have a career in the Navy with lots of sea duty. To me it is natural. But not so for others. What once was a great idea was supplanted by s condo on the water and a marina and access to the water. A smaller boat is more ideal and day tripping is more in line with my family solar power.

Lastly, I am not going to be without a boat, I will get another, and chartering a boat with the skills I learned while owning this one, is a nearer dream and one that I can transfer the risk and do so solo.

So please rest easy this isn't a marriage crisis.
Sounds great. And if her problem is sleeping on a boat, then when you charter, you sleep at the resort.
__________________

BandB is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off





All times are GMT -5. The time now is 06:39 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 4
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0
Copyright 2006 - 2012