cruising and personal relationships

[Peter B]

I'm going to open up another idea, and one that I think comes up fairly often.

That is the situation where a spouse does not have the same cruising dreams that the other person in the relationship has.

I think that does not mean that the "cruising dreamer" has to abandon their dreams for the spouse that doesn't want to go cruising. Nor does the "non cruising" spouse have to be forced into something they don't want to do.

My opinion is that if you have a dream to cruise, go for it. If you have a strong relationship then you and your spouse will work it out. Both you and your spouse have this one little life to live, and you each have dreams.

In order to make it work you could go for a few weeks or a month, or some period of time then go home for awhile. Then when the "cruise itch" hits again take off and go cruising.

Heck, I go down to the boat for several days at a time to do maintenance and just chill out now. Not all that much difference if it was longer stretches.

Kev...you've been reading my mail... that's how we do it...

 

[FF]

"That is the situation where a spouse does not have the same cruising dreams that the other person in the relationship has."

The situations that seem to cause the most cancellation of the cruise is being "trapped aboard".

Many folks do not feel comfortable with operating an outboard.

My suggestion is always for an electric dink motor , so anyone can easily go ashore with out fear , or relying on another.

 

[Wxx3]

That works for my wife and I. Our dreams are not the same, but they certainly have considerable overlap. We know where they differ, and we try to help each other live out their dreams whether we share them or not. We cruise together often, although mostly in fine weather and fairly calm seas. Often my wife goes on an all girls holiday with her friends, and/or I go on a boys fishing cruise in open water where it is not quite so idilic. We have a much better time than if we had tried to do the same thing together as a couple. That doesn't weaken our relationship; it makes it stronger.

Kevin is right on.
One size does not fit all.

 

[Semi-Retired]

Have y'all read Poop, Booze, and Bikini's by Ed Robinson? He really breaks it down on what its really like

 

[Nomad Willy]

Sounds like you're more interested in the boat than the girl.

 

[CPseudonym]

Sounds like you're more interested in the boat than the girl.

At this stage of the OP's relationship I for one see nothing inherently wrong with that.

 

[GoneFarrell]

The definition of remarriage: The triumph of hope over experience.

We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.

When the way comes to an end, then change. Having changed, you pass through. ~ I-Ching

"Joy is not in things, it is in us." J. Wagner

Marriage- it's like a deck of cards. In the beginning, you draw two hearts and a diamond. In the end, you're hoping for a club and a spade.​

 

[RT Firefly]

Relationship? Unconditional love?

 

[SoWhat]

I grew up on boats. My wife did not. She has been a real trooper supporting my boating addiction. She's taken the helm in seas bigger then the boat, white knuckled for sure. She kept her sense of humor when stuck in a leaky small cabin in a small harbor for a very rainy week waiting for seas to calm down. She let me know her idea of cruising is not 10-12 hours a day trying to get to the next destination, she likes to explore every little harbor. After a bout with melanoma she let me know she doesn't like sitting in the open cockpit of a sailboat all day long.

My dream sailboat is now on the market and I'm bringing my IG30 up to my standards. I want my wife to be happy. She has supported me. I want to support her. I enjoy her companionship and the compromises we both make are part of our good relationship.

It only works if I listen and respond to her concerns. (She is putting her foot down about hot showers this year so I think that task is moving up on the priority list)

 

[Britannia]

This topic runs deep with me. I was married for 20 years and it was my wife who introduced me to sailing. We had dreams of full time cruising one day. Sadly our marriage did not survive. We sold the house and shared our 36' sailboat for a while. I had been dreaming about living aboard for some time and once my younger daughter left for college I realized that it was now or never. I sold my share of our sailboat to my ex and bought Stillwater. I have a plan (dream, fantasy?) to cruise full time once I retire.

With no partner, I do "love the boat more than I love her!" I admit to being cautious now - the risk of being committed to someone who doesn't share my dream is probably preventing me from jumping in to a new relationship. I suppose I'm hoping that one day I'll bump into someone who wants to go full time cruising. Probably another fantasy on my part!

In the meantime I single hand my boat much of the time, usually meeting up with other boating friends along the way. I take comfort from seeing Richard on Dauntless living the dream - heck he even has a Krogen and the same name as me!

Good luck with your dilemma - I know some of what you are going through.

Richard

 

[foggysail]

My situation, not advice!

Both Wifey and I look forward to the boating seasons and time on the boat. It is comfortable, almost a small condo. BUT LIVING ON IT??? @#$%^&* NO, HECK NO!!!!

Just toooo many other things worth doing than spending all our time on a boat. Home is where the real comforts are.

 

[FF]

" Home is where the real comforts are."

The joy of boating is folks can decide between comfort and adventure.

For our cruising we choose,, UNEVENTFUL.

 

[foggysail]

" Home is where the real comforts are."

The joy of boating is folks can decide between comfort and adventure.

For our cruising we choose,, UNEVENTFUL.

 

[JDCAVE]

Tim: We were in a very similar situation to you when we bought our first boat. As I was nearing retirement one day my wife asked me what ARE you going to do when you retire? I said "I'd really like to to explore the coast of British Colombia and the only way I know how to do that is by boat." She said "I'd be so into that!" I had spent a lot of time on boats and owned a sailboat 25 years ago. I knew a little bit of what we would be in for, but she really knew nothing, had never really been on boats. So we looked at a lot of boats over 2 years, we took the power squadron courses together, and did two bareboat charters. This reinforced that we really could do this together. We then found the boat of our dreams, bought that boat and essentially sailed off into the sunset...

It wasn't exactly like that, but close enough that you get the idea. There have been challenges along the way, mostly the learning curve of boat maintenance. That's been my biggest challenge and frustration. If you cruise through the forum your read lots of my stupid threads asking for advice and how to's. But by and large everybody's been very helpful on this forum. I've learned enough on the forum to get myself started on projects and I get more information from the different professionals I meet along the way.

Only you know yourself and what you're capable of. And only she knows herself and what she is capable of. You really must be honest with yourselves. Are you the type of person who changes your mind changes your interests often? Because if you are, you should carefully rethink this. You both need to ask that question of yourselves. However if this is truly your dream, start taking some steps to prepare for it.

Jim

 

[BandB]

Wifey B:

JD Cave points out two major things. 1-Boating choices and decisions need time and effort to be made. Not just an impulsive move. 2-Relationship choices and decisions need time and effort to be made. Not just an impulsive move.

Both take some thought and work. Some real thinking and communication. If you just decide "I think I'll try this, no big deal, I don't need to prepare, and if it doesn't work out I'll just move on to the next thing" then you're doomed.

The OP said,

SO, how to really get her to "know". I would like the relationship to work, BUT I will not give up my dream (again) for her.​

Let her read that and if she's smart the decision will be made for you. She'll say goodbye to a relationship with you quickly. You would "like" for the relationship to work? Like? No, you really want it to work. Boat's the dream, relationship no big deal. Not that your dream would be for the relationship to work and you both love boating.

Translate. "I'm going boating come h or high water and I'd sort of like her along because I like the companionship and sex but there are plenty more women out there so no big deal. I've been through a few already and not going to work any harder at making this relationship work out."

That's hurtful. You said something about having her read this thread. Well, my advice to her is to read it carefully. If she wants to try going boating with you, that's fine. But if she's expecting a real relationship where she's truly important to you, move on. Forget it. Now, perhaps you'll find out that she's the same, that she'd sort of like it to work out and will try it, but if she doesn't like boating, no big deal, she'll just move on without feeling any great loss.

At this point are you looking for a serious relationship? Or really just friends with benefits? What is she looking for? Maybe it's the same for you both. Find out. Talk. Talk to her not to people on a forum who don't know either one of you.

 

[Al]

With 59 years of a torrid love affair I will claim to know a bit of marrage management success. The following is the advise I offer to newly weds that my wife and I encounter, often the grandchildren of friends and acquaintances.

"If you tell your mate that you love her/him at the first opportunity in the morning, and if you tell your mate that you love her/him as the last words of the evening, any disagreement of the day at any level will have been eliminated"

Another method of keeping a relationship fresh is to negotiate your marriage contract verbally on your anniversary. We declare a desire of each other to change a habit or perform a mission going forward. Example. Several years ago I was successful in negotiating for blue berry muffins twice a month. She negotiated that I was to pick the blue berries! Love those muffins, and picking the berries is a pleasure because the berry patches are alongside the fairways of my Wrangell, Alaska golf course!
Off the tee, pick, and play. Can't get any better than that!.

Three years ago, she negotiated my making the bed, a chore that I had taken for granted as 'Woman's Work'. Now, if need be, I could hire out at a hotel as a bed maker in a heart beat!!
It is thinking like this that keeps the love affair going and going. Damn! I love this woman

Thanks for the opportunity to say what I preach.

Al-Ketchikan

 

[JDCAVE]

With 59 years of a torrid love affair I will claim to know a bit of marrage management success. The following is the advise I offer to newly weds that my wife and I encounter, often the grandchildren of friends and acquaintances.



"If you tell your mate that you love her/him at the first opportunity in the morning, and if you tell your mate that you love her/him as the last words of the evening, any disagreement of the day at any level will have been eliminated"



Another method of keeping a relationship fresh is to negotiate your marriage contract verbally on your anniversary. We declare a desire of each other to change a habit or perform a mission going forward. Example. Several years ago I was successful in negotiating for blue berry muffins twice a month. She negotiated that I was to pick the blue berries! Love those muffins, and picking the berries is a pleasure because the berry patches are alongside the fairways of my Wrangell, Alaska golf course!

Off the tee, pick, and play. Can't get any better than that!.



Three years ago, she negotiated my making the bed, a chore that I had taken for granted as 'Woman's Work'. Now, if need be, I could hire out at a hotel as a bed maker in a heart beat!!

It is thinking like this that keeps the love affair going and going. Damn! I love this woman



Thanks for the opportunity to say what I preach.



Al-Ketchikan

Al points out something important: to not be so set in our ways that we cannot change. It's important to look at ourselves and our flaws and be able to change enough to make a difference.

J

 

[BandB]

Three years ago, she negotiated my making the bed, a chore that I had taken for granted as 'Woman's Work'. Now, if need be, I could hire out at a hotel as a bed maker in a heart beat!!
It is thinking like this that keeps the love affair going and going. Damn! I love this woman

Thanks for the opportunity to say what I preach.

Al-Ketchikan

Wifey B: Make the bed? You mean other than when you change the sheets? Why? You're just going to mess it back up again later.

 

[dhays]

Wifey B: Make the bed? You mean other than when you change the sheets? Why? You're just going to mess it back up again later.

That is true and I agree 100%. However, if a made bed is something that says "I love you" to your spouse, it is much better to just do it, than it is to argue the point.

 

[RT Firefly]

Greetings,
A made bed is ready to be slept in. An unmade bed most probably needs rearranging/fluffing/alignment. When I'm ready to retire, I'm gone and I don't want to be fiddling around with sheets askew or lumpy pillows. Both of us tend to bed making as the opportunity presents itself. Plus if surprise company drops in there is much less of a rush to make the boat presentable. Everything in it's place and a place for everything. We have few "set" tasks and few his or her designations. It's a team effort.

 

[Al]

That is true and I agree 100%. However, if a made bed is something that says "I love you" to your spouse, it is much better to just do it, than it is to argue the point.

Smart man and your boat name confirms.

 

[Group9]

Boating and cruising are a big part of my life. On my second date with my wife, I took her out for a four day cruise on my sailboat. On the fourth day, when she asked why we couldn't stay out longer, I knew I had found the right one.

We are both okay with cruising until we are tired again of it, taking a break, and then starting up again. Because we both like cruising, but we also the like family and friends time in our hometown. We've talked about longer multi year cruising, and we may do it. But, doing it for about nine months to a year at a time works great for us right now.

Don't marry or hook up with someone hoping they will like to do what you like to do. Know for sure.

 

[Pgitug]

This might begin a new brouhaha....but I do have some serious questions.



I have lived aboard for several years, and cruised some by myself or with friends.

Now I find I am getting into a serious relationship. In a house, living on land situation she and I would probably do well. (we have both been married a few times; so we have an idea what we are getting into.)



I am retired and once land responsibilities end (taking care of an elderly mom) , I am planning on cruising, at the very least living aboard and never returning to live on land.



She says she is ok with this and wants to do this too.



But she has the romance of boating, cruising, all the good stuff in her head. I try to explain the bad, ugly, awful times when you think that if someone gave me some money right now....I would give them this boat.



But she does not seem to be able to understand.



SO, how to really get her to "know". I would like the relationship to work, BUT I will not give up my dream (again) for her.



And I really want her to want this and understand.



I currently have no boat, so we cannot go for a short cruise to experience some things.



Chartering is out....that would reinforce the romantic ideas and not the real ideas.



I do not want to lead her on to a bad experience. I really want to be fair.



So. What could we do? What could I say?



There is a LOT of experience on this forum and I have learned to listen and choose some good ideas.



Thanks.

Don't borrow trouble.
The reason most women do not like boating is because the captain goes out in bad weather and he yells at his first mate to make up for his lack of boating skills.

 

[ufish2]

This has been an interesting read.

I suppose you gotta do what works for you. For my wife and I, I tell her a year in advance what my plans are for the following summer cruise. She lets me know one way or the other whether she wants to go see the mother-in-law or spend time on the boat. She always receives first choice. If she chooses the mother-in-law that opens the door to invite friends and family that are looking for a once in a lifetime cruise they would normally not have the opportunity to do.

The quote "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" is certainly a true quote for us. By the time I return I'm missing her and it was good to spend some time away from one another. I've known couples that have to do everything together. I suppose it would be nice to be married to someone who appreciates activities you do but I suspect these are few and far between. Consider providing her space to do what she wants and if she happens to want to join you on the boat be appreciative. We spend Spring break and Thanksgiving together with the family on the boat. The day after Christmas is left wide open and flexible. The key to any healthy relationship is flexibility whether it be work, home, friendship, or marriage.

If you spend as much time maintaining your relationship as the boat you will probably be ok. Scott Peck wrote in the Road Less Traveled, "Two people love each other when they are quite capable of living without each other but choose to live with each other." I suspect you may have to be willing to give up some things in order for this relationship to work out. You will have to decide how much you are willing to give up. You wouldn't be alone most successful relationships do.

Good luck to you regardless of the outcome.

 

[jsc7]

It might depend a lot on what kind of cruising you are planning to do. The average woman can last about a week camping before they start doing crazy things.

So, if you are just doing periodic journeys, you might be OK, but if you are talking about living on the boat for weeks or months at a time, you will need a "special" kind of woman.

 

[RT Firefly]

Greetings,
Mr. j7. "...you will need a "special" kind of woman." That is what I most definitely have!

 

[BandB]

It might depend a lot on what kind of cruising you are planning to do. The average woman can last about a week camping before they start doing crazy things.

So, if you are just doing periodic journeys, you might be OK, but if you are talking about living on the boat for weeks or months at a time, you will need a "special" kind of woman.

Wifey B: Camping? I've never been camping. I thought we were talking boating. "Special" kind of woman? Wow. That could mean so many things. Not every man is wanting to spend days on a boat either so does it take a "special" kind of man? Seems it just takes people with common interests and/or who are comfortable agreeing to spend a certain amount of time apart, which I'm not the time apart kind of special woman. I don't like being apart but I sure like boating.

 

[Northern Spy]

Relationships are a compromise. Boating is a compromise. The two of you get to make your very own Venn diagram. They either look similar, or they don't.

 

[dhays]

Relationships are a compromise. Boating is a compromise. The two of you get to make your very own Venn diagram. They either look similar, or they don't.

1+

Very succinctly put.

 

[Dash Riprock]

You already stated that your dream is more important than your relationsip ( "I won't give up my dream again" ) So...live your dream....let her tag along for as long as she wants. If she likes it, she'll stay...if she doesn't, she won't. I don't mean to sound cold...but if you have already decided the lifestyle is more important than she is, then you've made your decision....at some point she'll make hers....it will work out or it wont. Cross that bridge when you come to it.

BINGO!