cruising and personal relationships

[Lou_tribal]

I'd rather have all of my teeth knocked out with a ball peen hammer than spend a week on a cruise ship. But that's just me.

Put two of us!

 

[BandB]

Put two of us!

Wifey B: Sorry, I don't believe either of you would choose to have all your teeth knocked out. Maybe one tooth, but otherwise, you'd take the cruise. :lol:

Cruises don't appeal to me either, but I'm partial to my teeth.

 

[MurrayM]

Got lucky and picked right the first time. Relationship fully tested for two month winter sea kayak trip from Kitimat to Bella Bella...16 hour nights...record winter for lack of direct sunshine (it rained a lot!)...met other people only twice during the trip, in Klemtu and Bishop Bay hot springs...that was 25 years ago.

We were supposed to leave in the spring, but we both lost our seasonal jobs. She said, "We're wasting our money on rent, so let's go now!"

Pick the right one and she'll ensure your dreams come true

 

[Wxx3]

Crew requests are not just for delivery crews trying to make a deadline.

Feel free to contribute your own idea.

Acheron has a very good idea.

I think too many of the above responses are too personalized and go well beyond addressing the simple issue, which is living on a boat.

Like the OP, we, the couple part, started out with the idea before the boat, as I was also waiting for my mother to not need me anymore.

So, having been on both sides here, as a couple and as not a couple, I have a few thoughts:

One of the easiest ways to reading about other couple living on boats. It's the living on a boat that makes it fundamentally different than having a weekend getaway. Once I became single, I also found that difference daunting in finding a partner who shared the same goals.

I think I have done that now, but I won't know for sure, until she is free to join me 24/7, and that's still down the road a ways.

Maybe I should offer time on Dauntless as a way "check out the lifestyle" I have been thinking I should find some ways to recoup some of my cruising costs.

A KK42 offers a nice affordable, realistic experience.

I need people/friends/crew at least 50% of the time: this summer Mexico, next 2 years, moving up the west coast to Alaska and beyond.

Email me, not PM.

Richard

 

[Ted]

Wifey B: Sorry, I don't believe either of you would choose to have all your teeth knocked out. Maybe one tooth, but otherwise, you'd take the cruise. :lol:

Cruises don't appeal to me either, but I'm partial to my teeth.

Me too, I bought them in 1969

Ted

 

[Peter B]

I think you might be selling her short. I think the biggest problem here is you do not have a boat. If you did, then you could introduce her to boating. In the meantime, I would say let her have her dream.

I know of a couple cruising right now where I was worried about her and her perception of "the dream". They are cruising and loving it! And I think the reason why they are loving it is because they love each other and are just happy to be together.

Ultimately, you are viewing it as YOUR dream. She has her dream in her head. Just bring those two dreams together. And that requires you to be a little more open to what she thinks it's all about. You seem to be viewing her as an accessory to, or even a hindrance to your dream. You have to be able to see her as a participant.

John, you sure you weren't a psychologist in another life. I couldn't have put it better myself, and I spend half my day doing the psychology thing...

 

[Peter B]

I don't get it. We have never had a bad day on the boat All GOOD, no BAD, no UGLY. But then my wife picked our boat and she is like a crate trained dog who loves her crate. Only dog owner will get it.
When guys find out my wifes attitude about boating they rush to bring their reluctant spouses by to see if she can convert them. Its really pretty funny.

To quote the words of the song, then..."you don't know how lucky you are..."


Tiny thread hijack, but worth it. Take a gander at this, and have a laugh. Click to full screen and put sound on. Sadly, this NZ comedian, (aka and best known in Aus as John Clark), but much loved by NZers as Fred Dagg, died recently.
It might even present an answer to those asking on that other thread..."which continent to retire to?" Not a continent, just a 'quarter acre, half gallon (keg) pavlova paradise..!

NZ FOLK SONG * We Don't Know How Lucky We Are

 

[Al]

Put your bed, kitchen, toilet and everything you need in a single room. Pour some humidity and water on the walls and spend 2 weeks in the room without ever going out. Then you can explain her that this will be her life if it is raining during two weeks while you are aboard Than add 1 week where she is forced to put her hands in a bucket of oil every day, and explain her that this is when she will need to help you to maintain the boat mechanics. Than rent a truck and ask her to drive it on an ice field and explain her that this is how she will feel when she will have to handle the boat.
If after all this she is still ok, well marry her

L.

I am with you Lou, given the decision to judge the comments todate on this topic, you win hands down, You sir, are a poet, a forseer of the future and teller of history. Ye Gads, both married "Many" times?? "Run Spot, see Spot run"
Put it this way, In Alaska each receives 50% or everything good bad, or ugly.
"Many" times would eliminate much of boat buying/living. Your suggested trials are winners.
[all said with sarcasm]

Al-Ketchikan

 

[Oldersalt]

Regarding the "try it out" part....

I understand that women like to take showers occasionally. To simulate this part of the liveaboard experience, just lock her in a small closet for awhile, with a large wet dog.

Other than that, I can also say that in some ways a relationship with a woman is not that different from a relationship with a boat. If she makes your heart sing, marry her. If a boat makes your heart sing, buy it.

Good Luck.
Oldersalt

"Everything on your boat is broken. You just don't know it yet."

 

[BruceK]

I'd rather have all of my teeth knocked out with a ball peen hammer than spend a week on a cruise ship...

You could be onto something. Not many people on cruise ships have their own teeth. Makes them susceptible to flattery too,: "Your teeth are like the stars(they come out at night)".
Cruising on ships is what you make it, don`t reject it before you try it.

 

[Benthic2]

...my wife..is like a crate trained dog .

wow.

ps

I lived on a cruise ship for four and a half years.....its not that bad.

 

[FF]

Living on a boat , tied to a dock is one lifestyle.

Constant cruising is a vastly different lifestyle

Decide which you prefer and show her that lifestyle.

There are blogs from folks delighted to be aground in their coffee grounds,

There are blogs of folks actually living well enjoying cruising .

Select some of each for her to read.

If you can try to visit a couple of couples with each lifestyle.

 

[Donna]

Okay, woman here. My dream was/is to live aboard. I purchased a boat with those capabilities and room for guests and my dog. I have spent many hours maintaining her and getting her the way I like it. Maybe get her involved in decorating. Possibly engine work if she is willing and able. If not, agree to who will do what. Owning a boat needs cleaning, dusting, etc., just like a house. Hauling laundry to a marina laundrymat is also something that needs to be done. Make a list of things she is willing to do and things you are willing to do. DO NOT give up the house right away. Get used to the boat and both of you need to be able to operate the systems alone.

I purchased my boat in September and just a few months after my purchase, I have a mate who has gone in partner with me. I still know the systems better than him, but we will be enjoying it together for now. Will it work? I don't know. I'm living in the moment. I have kept my house and currently do not live aboard. Maybe someday, maybe not. I'm just happy knowing she is there whenever I want to escape , whether alone with my dog, or with my new partner. He now has a vested interest, but most if not all decisions are made by me. It works.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

 

[Al]

Buy a boat now before you're married. That way when she leaves


Not in Alaska, she may have the boat but you will be left with the shaft!!:lol::lol:

 

[CPseudonym]

Tim this is Donna.

Donna meet Tim.

As the old joke goes, please send pictures of boat and motor.

 

[Lou_tribal]

Buy a boat now before you're married. That way when she leaves


Not in Alaska, she may have the boat but you will be left with the shaft!!:lol::lol:

My split would be she keeps the used oil and filters and all the maintenance bills, I keep the boat. I think this is fair.


L.

 

[Donna]

Tim this is Donna.

Donna meet Tim.

As the old joke goes, please send pictures of boat and motor.

LOL! Love it!

 

[ksanders]

Tim this is Donna.

Donna meet Tim.

As the old joke goes, please send pictures of boat and motor.

Wow! TF is now a dating site. Who would have ever known

 

[Al]

Wow! TF is now a dating site. Who would have ever known

"Bow Wow" There fixed it.

 

[kokopelliTim]

Just reading all these ideas, suggestions, stories and thoughts has lightened my day and load.
Thank you.

I am going to pass this link along to her and let her read and consider the comments.

As for TF being a dating site....I think Donna said she had a partner and I am growing in this relationship that i hope will be a solid partnership.

We shall see.

 

[Off Duty]

Just reading all these ideas, suggestions, stories and thoughts has lightened my day and load.
Thank you.

I am going to pass this link along to her and let her read and consider the comments.

As for TF being a dating site....I think Donna said she had a partner and I am growing in this relationship that i hope will be a solid partnership.

We shall see.

Good luck sir.
It does take a special kind of person to endure/enjoy full time cruising.
Take it a day or so at a time and see how you both fair.

All the best to both of you.

 

[BandB]

Good luck sir.
It does take a special kind of person to endure/enjoy full time cruising.
Take it a day or so at a time and see how you both fair.

All the best to both of you.

Wifey B: I know most are probably unaware, but recognizing what today is might help, even though it was supposed to be all day.

https://www.timeanddate.com/holidays/fun/no-pants-day

There are many other often overlooked holidays:

https://www.timeanddate.com/holidays/fun/

Good luck, however things work out.

 

[ksanders]

I'm going to open up another idea, and one that I think comes up fairly often.

That is the situation where a spouse does not have the same cruising dreams that the other person in the relationship has.

I think that does not mean that the "cruising dreamer" has to abandon their dreams for the spouse that doesn't want to go cruising. Nor does the "non cruising" spouse have to be forced into something they don't want to do.

My opinion is that if you have a dream to cruise, go for it. If you have a strong relationship then you and your spouse will work it out. Both you and your spouse have this one little life to live, and you each have dreams.

That doesn't mean that you get to sell the house and force your spouse into a lifestyle they do not want. What it means is that you should be able to fulfill your dreams, and there should be nothing to feel guilty about.

In order to make it work you could go for a few weeks or a month, or some period of time then go home for awhile. Then when the "cruise itch" hits again take off and go cruising.

I'm a good example of this challenge. My wife whom I have spent a lifetime with is good for about a week at a time on the boat. I have dreams of traveling back down the pacific coast from Alaska and possibly into Mexico. I also have dreams of doing the Great Loop someday. She might not be inclined to spend that much time on any boat. She honestly does not know.

But I do not have to give up my dreams just because she may not want to do the same things I want to do. I could if it came to it, be perfectly happy making the trip myself, in segments. There would not (and should not) be any marital challenges if I end up voyaging alone.

Possibly she will come along for part of the way. Possibly she will fly down to meet me. I would certainly not do it in one long stretch anyway.

Heck, I go down to the boat for several days at a time to do maintenance and just chill out now. Not all that much difference if it was longer stretches.

 

[Star0210]

I think it's a bit unfair to say he's putting his dream above his relationship and/or that the relationship isn't a top priority.
He did say it was a fairly new relationship and just starting to get serious.
I think the fact that she is interested (whether she really understands all it entails or not is not the point) is all that matters. That's a good foundation.
Make your plans, get your boat when you're ready and give it a try. Take it from there.

If she had zero interest then I'd say go ahead and end it right now..no common basis to continue the relationship.

Good luck and I hope it works out for both of you.

 

[BandB]

Kevin

I think every couple defines their relationship. The concept of "traditional marriage" has been proved to not work for many. Most of us happily married don't do it like our parents or grandparents. My wife and I are certainly not traditional. Then as you age, I think relationships must reflect that. You've developed strong likes and dislikes. At 30, you might be exposed to new things and change. As you age, you become more fixed in your ways. Doesn't mean you can't change. Later marriages though see couples fighting over things that neither can change or wants to change.

I also used the word "relationship." Marriage is often not financially or otherwise logical. Florida has hundreds of thousands of older married couples together because benefits would be reduced if they married and/or because the spouse would then be subject to being wiped our financially in the event of illness of the other spouse.

I'd say for two people who have been married numerous times, then marriage isn't likely their best choice. It doesn't sound romantic but enter into an understanding. Don't worry so much about 5 years or 10 years from now because you really have little idea about either. Leave escape routes. Far better to end it that to stay with it suffering. Can be something as simple as if it doesn't work, dear, I'll get you to an airport and help you get on your way home from wherever we are.

I know many here believe strongly in the words "Till Death Does Us Part". Rather ominous tone to those words and not particularly a good reason to remain together just waiting for death. Forever? Nothing's forever. We fully expect to be together forever, but we had a problem with "till death does us part." If either of us became unhappy, we didn't want to stay just because we'd said we would. We want to stay together because we still want to be together. So, our vows were "As long as it works for both of us." I think anyone who knows us would know there is no more committed couple than us (although some say need to be committed), but we just didn't want traditional wording.

Every relationship is different. Don't try to copy others and don't let others tell you how yours should be or what you should do. Most of our divorced friends were really pushed into marriage by others or felt pressured by society. They're good people. Even one former couple that married strictly for business and political reasons. They're still best friends but finally felt it was ok to end the marriage.

But do communicate. Take notes. Sounds silly, but if writing it sinks in better and if the two of you can put your thoughts more to paper, then you know you've expressed what you meant to. That's what I mean by "understanding". Not anything binding. A lot of what the OP has written here, but should have been to her, not to us, because we can't make his relationship decisions.

 

[dhays]

Possibly she will come along for part of the way. Possibly she will fly down to meet me. I would certainly not do it in one long stretch anyway.

Heck, I go down to the boat for several days at a time to do maintenance and just chill out now. Not all that much difference if it was longer stretches.

Excellent point Kevin. Successful couples find many ways of working out their lives together, and it isn't always spending all their time together. A buddy and colleague of mine decided that he wanted to cruise on his sailboat. He had a couple issue however. The first is that he still needed to work. The second is that his wife doesn't share the same desire.

So he takes off on the boat, sails for a few weeks, then flies back home to work and wife. His wife flies down for short periods but the rest of the time he is either solo or he invites friends along. It works out great for them both.

 

[Seadog2013]

BandB #55

 

[High Wire]

You both want to cruise but you are afraid she might actually like it? I'm confused. Someone who does not want to cruise would be better? Stay single and try a charter for 2 weeks. Then you will know before anything is semi-permanent.

 

[AusCan]

I'm going to open up another idea, and one that I think comes up fairly often.

That is the situation where a spouse does not have the same cruising dreams that the other person in the relationship has.

I think that does not mean that the "cruising dreamer" has to abandon their dreams for the spouse that doesn't want to go cruising. Nor does the "non cruising" spouse have to be forced into something they don't want to do.

My opinion is that if you have a dream to cruise, go for it. If you have a strong relationship then you and your spouse will work it out. Both you and your spouse have this one little life to live, and you each have dreams.

That works for my wife and I. Our dreams are not the same, but they certainly have considerable overlap. We know where they differ, and we try to help each other live out their dreams whether we share them or not. We cruise together often, although mostly in fine weather and fairly calm seas. Often my wife goes on an all girls holiday with her friends, and/or I go on a boys fishing cruise in open water where it is not quite so idilic. We have a much better time than if we had tried to do the same thing together as a couple. That doesn't weaken our relationship; it makes it stronger.

 

[ksanders]

BandB

Regarding your post #55

That is a excellent post, and provides great thought provoking ideas.

This concept of "marriage" is evolving, in some very good ways, and in some ways I think it is not so good at all.

In my parents generation the "till death do us part" concept was taken literally. The result in some cases was incompatible people living a lifetime of misery. Many lifetimes were wasted, stuck in a unhappy situation. Not much is worse in my opinion than a wasted life.

Fast foreward to today and we have a different attitude towards marriage, with the thought of "as long as it works for me" (as you described). This solved the "ruined lives" syndrome, which is good, but it caused some problems as well.

The challenge is that as you know relationships are not always easy. Just living with another human being that has their own wants, desires, and dreams is requires significant effort and compromise.

With todays attitude towards marriage we might tend to give up on the marriage without taking the time and effort to work through the inevitable issues you find with any relationship. This in my opinion can create a society where we bounce from relationship to relationship, never learning how to work out issues, and finding that the next partner has different but just as substantial issues to deal with. In the end many are unsuccessful at holding down a long term relationship. Are they happier? Are their lives better? Or would they be happier in the end building the skills necessary to have a successful marriage?

This can have serious financial implications as well. Bouncing from marriage to marriage, relationship to relationship can seriously hamper the building of wealth that often comes from a long term marriage. Yes I know that a successful marriage is not directly connected to wealth building. I just know many people that have had to "start over" time and time again while there counterparts with stable relationships seem to be better off financially. Maybe I'm off base In drawing that correlation, but it's just what I've seen.

Anyway, great post on your part, and great food for thought.