Anyone choose the boat over the woman?

[Tin Man]

Applying this to my life right now:

1. Divorce - in progress
2. Find boat lady 1 - in progress, but don't get in too deep
3. Buy the boat - sooner, rather than later.
4. Invite boat lady 1. If she doesn't come along, let the boat attract a new, real boat lady 2 and see where that leads...

 

[Seevee]

OH, and I did drop a GF once because she didn't like flying. She was a nice girl, and I took her for her only airplane ride, and it was lousy, turbulent, hot and uncomfortable. She said never again.... so be it and that was our last date.

 

[OldDan1943]

Years ago, when I was attending Chapman's in Stuart FL, there was a older couple who own a house on a canal, dock and a boat.
They went on a cruise, for how long I do not know.
When they returned to the dock and tied up, he wife of many years said something to the effect, "I did enjoy it but, I am glad to be home. I dont need to do that again." Rumor has it, he restocked the boat and took off on a new adventure, single handed. Maybe it's true, maybe it isn't.

 

[AlaskaProf]

You have dodged a bullet. The boat wasn't the issue.

 

[Mortensi]

Applying this to my life right now:

1. Divorce - in progress
2. Find boat lady 1 - in progress, but don't get in too deep
3. Buy the boat - sooner, rather than later.
4. Invite boat lady 1. If she doesn't come along, let the boat attract a new, real boat lady 2 and see where that leads...

I had some good friends who were a happy cruising/liveaboard couple, then the wife (smoker) “unexpectedly” died. He continued cruising and told me “you know how many single women who own condos that surround marinas? So fast forward, he’s married to a much younger beautiful non smoking wife, and no longer is renting a slip, and she has a yacht. Fair trade.
My Captain who has quite lower standards oft repeats “there’s a woman with a packed suitcase at every Waffle House”.

 

[Gdavid]

"Love" can be a vague construct, difficult to quantify and validate especially relatively early in a relationship. In many cases we are better off to consider "Respect" as a measure of a relationship's health, it is more straightforward. In my opinion, your level of respect for each other was pretty low and you made the right decision to cut ties now.

She did not respect you sufficiently to be open to a dream that is clearly very important to you. On the other hand, you don't the relationship, which you already know and have experienced first hand, over a a potential experience, something that has not proven itself in reality yet.

Owning and maintaining a boat is a significant time and financial commitment, one that can be a source of resentment if both aren't on board and that is before you even establish whether you enjoy the experience. It sounds like a very expensive boat (relatively to most people) and ultimately that financial commitment would affect her as well, even if she didn't earn the money to purchase it. Dragging a spouse into boat (or horse, vacation house, timeshare) ownership is almost as bad an idea as dragging one reluctantly into having children. It sound like you both dodged a bullet.

 

[SteveK]

Once when I was looking for a date, a prospective lady and I discussed interests. It was apparent to me that our interests only intersected with boating, but that was part time for her. I exclaimed that I do not see this working out as she was a city girl and I was a country guy. (she expected me to go to the city to do stuff-deal breaker).

Well the foul mouth chew out was unexpected. apparently no guy turns her down.
Dodged one there.

 

[Ski in NC]

The girl knew of his plans when they first met, and she approved. Then later changed her mind.

To the OP, follow your dreams, you have planned and worked toward it for a long time. She can choose to either participate or not.

Mine does not dream about boats and boating. But she enjoys it and helps out. As a poster above stated, I'll do 100% for her, she will do 100% for me. If either partner does less than 100% for the other, there is some other problem.

Follow your dreams. With a nice 80' Cat, you will not need to do it alone!!

 

[boatlife]

Thank you all for the discussion!

I expected people here would encourage me to follow my dream, which is probably why I posted here. It's heartbreaking to lose her but I just can't set my dreams aside. As several of you stated, I'll resent her if I do and she'll resent me if she goes along with something she doesn't want. Sometimes people just aren't meant for one another. I did offer her my second best (private airplane) and third best (RV). She was quite adamant that she won't get on a small plane and hates RVs, too. So it seems we will have to go our separate ways.

I've been out on a 45' cat and a couple times on a 90' monohull and loved every minute of it. There's no doubt in my mind that this is the lifestyle I want. I've got a healthy boat fund and could pull the trigger and do this now on a smaller vessel, but I'm holding out a few more years so I can get into the size range I want.

OldDan1943: Got the vasectomy a decade ago and won't get married without a prenup. Actually, probably won't get married ever at this point. Too much to lose. I want the love and lifelong companionship that marriage promises, but I'm not interested in the lopsided legal contract. Divorce is hell, I was married 15 years and had to write a six figure check when we split, then had to defend myself from a lawsuit seeking 3x my entire net worth. Took a year and tens of thousands in attorneys fees. What a racket.

Certainly any woman (or man) can decide to dislike boating... but not without trying it.

Right? That's what I said. I offered to rent one for a day, a week or a month so she can see what it's all about. She absolutely will not consider it. Won't go to boat shows with me to even look at them. Won't step aboard and look around while on the dock. Won't say why, either. Just "I don't like boats" (or planes, or RVs...). I don't know what else to do but say goodbye and continue living my life.

You say you love her. I say no you do not.

If loving somebody means giving up all of your own wants and desires and catering to the other person 100%, then you're right. I don't love her like that. I don't think I could ever love somebody like that. What I want matters too, I don't think one partner should be miserable for the sake of the other (and I recognize this goes both ways, if she would be miserable on a boat, then we're not suited for one another... but she won't even try). I've offered compromises... keep a house on land, enjoy the boat as a second vacation home. She got mad at me for suggesting it.

She's a wonderful woman and I'm not here to disparage her. She's not wrong for not wanting to adventure with me. She deserves to be happy here on land in the lifestyle that she wants, and I deserve to be happy in the lifestyle I want. It's sad that it took us two years to figure this out, but at least it's not ten years with a marriage and children and so on complicating matters.

I don't post a lot here but I read a ton and love hearing about all of your adventures. This is a great community, thank you for welcoming me and engaging in this discussion.

 

[Chris Leigh-Jones]

Old saying "If you think boats are expensive, try divorce!". Did you ever find out just why she does not like boats, you did say you loved her so maybe worth investigating?

 

[OldDan1943]

Old saying "If you think boats are expensive, try divorce!".

Once a divorce is over, it's over.
Boat? Never ending until you sell the boat. LOL

 

[HeadMistress]

I am waiting for the ladies to chime in.

This reminds me of my favorite boat name story: George REALLY wanted a boat, his wife Ruth wanted nothing to do with it. He begged and pleaded for years...til she finally said, "ok, you can buy a boat, on one condition: that I never have to set foot on it or even see it." George agreed...He named the boat Ruthless. They've remained happily married.

Have you asked your girl friend WHY she wants nothing to do with boats?

It may be that she's seen too many couples whose relationships/marriages couldn't survive 24/7/365 togetherness...it doesn't even have to be 24/7 togetherness...I've known a few who were happily married for 20 years while he was on "the road" five days a week, ended in divorce within two years after he was promoted to a position that kept no longer required constant travel. She may be unwilling to be out of her extended family's reach for long periods. Or she's seen too many movies about boating catastrophes or just really serious blows in heavy seas, and is terrified by the thought

Or she envisions boating life to be claustrophobic. For me, a "live aboard" boat, would have to have a professional crew of 3, one of which is a gourmet chef, and room for the baby grand.

Have you ever asked her to join you in your boat search? It's ok if your hidden agenda is an attempt to change her mind, but you can position it as just wanting her input about decor and creature comforts.

If convincing her to try it even for a weekend is a lost cause, there IS middle ground: you can cruise for 2-3 months/year without her...you see see a lot of the world 2-3 months at a time. She might even agree to meet you at some your exotic ports of call if she can fly over and back.

So it doesn't have to be all or nothing...there is room to have it both ways if you both really want to. However, if it really has come down to a "my way or the highway" ultimatum, she'll be a lot better off without you.

--Peggie

 

[boatlife]

Did you ever find out just why she does not like boats, you did say you loved her so maybe worth investigating?

I'm trying but she alternates between anger and tears when we talk about it. She's 41 for God's sake, you would think we could have a rational discussion. We talked more last night and she presented me with a few misconceptions. Says "We can't entertain friends and family on a boat", "I don't like how they rock back and forth", "We won't be able to keep friendships if we're always on the go", "We won't be able to see our families", etc.

I explained that we entertain now in our home and the boat is a far superior platform for entertaining with more square feet and more bedrooms than we currently have, that catamarans don't rock like she thinks and she's never been on one and would she be willing to go out on one for a few hours? I offered that we don't have to be always on the go, we can buy a slip and have a home base, even get a condo at the marina, we can fly our families out to see us or even stay living right here in the Pacific Northwest so they're within driving distance. I'm willing to compromise on the whole nomadic cruising lifestyle if it means we can stay together.

Her final response was no, she's not willing to get on one to see what it's all about, and more tears because "you're picking a boat over me." I just don't think we're going to be able to work through this. It's very foreign to me, not being able to talk about this like adults. I don't understand it.

 

[BandB]

Wifey B: My hubby and I didn't say till death or better or any of the normal thing, but "as long as it works for both of us." Been 20 great years so far and can't imagine it ever ending.

However, I do understand star-crossed lovers. One of my fave love stories is that of Warren Buffett. He took up Ukelele which he still plays to try to impress a girl. Then he met Susan and love of music brought them together. They married in 1952. Had three kids but she dreamed of a singing career and Hollywood. In 1977 she moved to Malibu, house he'd purchased. However, before moving there she wanted to make sure he was taken care of and introduced him to Astrid, who moved in with him. He stayed married to Susan until she died in 2004, he and Astrid taking care of her as she suffered from cancer. Christmas cards were sent from Warren, Susie and Astrid. I was never fortunate enough to meet Susan but feel like I would have adored her. Finally, he and Astrid married in 2006.

Warren loved Susan. Susan loved Warren. Warren loves Astrid. Susan loved Astrid. Astrid loved Susan. I don't understand it all, especially Warren's attachment to Omaha, but I do understand the depth of their love. Maybe that's the answer if you must go your way, finding the one you leave someone else. Maybe girlfriend finds boater a boating match.

Ultimately you have to accept things as they are. Clearly for the OP they don't work, nor do they for his girlfriend. No one's fault unless being blinded along the way and carrying hope is a fault. Star crossed and never stood a chance.

I love my marriage and hate the rate of divorce, but the answer isn't staying in relationships that don't work. Posting a question you already know your answer to is a bit much just seeking everyone yelling "yes, ditch her." It's a personal decision he'd already made, don't need group affirmation. You do whatever will make you happy in life. I can't imagine leaving someone you love would ever do that. However, the OP has made his choice. Blaming her for not trying boating is ok, only if you blame him the same for not trying life without it. Don't take sides. It's mutual and irreconcilable differences. Now time for both to move forward. Maybe even still friends with benefits when in the same place. Who knows. I just wish the two of them were having this serious discussion now and recognizing the issue won't disappear so what to do rather than him asking a group of mostly male boaters for affirmation.

 

[SteveK]

I am waiting for the ladies to chime in. I am too, it would be great to hear the other side for once

This reminds me of my favorite boat name story: George REALLY wanted a boat, his wife Ruth wanted nothing to do with it. He begged and pleaded for years...til she finally said, "ok, you can buy a boat, on one condition: that I never have to set foot on it or even see it." George agreed...He named the boat Ruthless. They've remained happily married.

Have you asked your girl friend WHY she wants nothing to do with boats?

It may be that she's seen too many couples whose relationships/marriages couldn't survive 24/7/365 togetherness...it doesn't even have to be 24/7 togetherness...I've known a few who were happily married for 20 years while he was on "the road" five days a week, ended in divorce within two years after he was promoted to a position that kept no longer required constant travel. She may be unwilling to be out of her extended family's reach for long periods. Or she's seen too many movies about boating catastrophes or just really serious blows in heavy seas, and is terrified by the thought

Or she envisions boating life to be claustrophobic. For me, a "live aboard" boat, would have to have a professional crew of 3, one of which is a gourmet chef, and room for the baby grand.

Have you ever asked her to join you in your boat search? It's ok if your hidden agenda is an attempt to change her mind, but you can position it as just wanting her input about decor and creature comforts.

If convincing her to try it even for a weekend is a lost cause, there IS middle ground: you can cruise for 2-3 months/year without her...you see see a lot of the world 2-3 months at a time. She might even agree to meet you at some your exotic ports of call if she can fly over and back.

So it doesn't have to be all or nothing...there is room to have it both ways if you both really want to.

--Peggie

Peggie, thanks for the contribution.
Since there are many long term marriages where the couple both love to boat, the option of the man going it alone does nothing for me now, let alone 40 years ago. There is no point being coupled unless you do it willingly and want to share all activities.
On reflection you have described my first wife, wow. I never thought I would marry again after divorce as I was having a grand time until I met a woman who was looking for a man to take her boating. Married 12 years and going strong.
So there is no need to compromise, unless you are desperate to have a companion on their terms. There are plenty of fish out there. (and a web site of the same name)

 

[SteveK]

"Wifey B: My hubby and I didn't say till death or better or any of the normal thing, but "as long as it works for both of us." Been 20 great years so far and can't imagine it ever ending. "
Neither did we, but we went further and wrote vows in which it was often repeated "If I have to, I will" to the point that the minister at the end said I now pronounce you man and wife, I guess, if I have to.

 

[OldDan1943]

"Wifey B: My hubby and I didn't say till death or better or any of the normal thing, but "as long as it works for both of us." Been 20 great years so far and can't imagine it ever ending. "
Neither did we, but we went further and wrote vows in which it was often repeated "If I have to, I will" to the point that the minister at the end said I now pronounce you man and wife, I guess, if I have to.

Now that's funny.

 

[tiltrider1]

I met my wife at a singles yacht club. Our first date was a ski trip. We quickly realized we would need to work out the rest as neither of us would ever find a boating, skiing, scuba diving, liveaboard and traveling partner that matched as well as we did. Sure we have our moments and then we just reminded each other no one else would put up with our life style so we best make it work or we will be doing it alone.

 

[Spinner]

Hmm, as one of the ladies....it’s not about the boat, it’s about honesty in a relationship. I’ve seen similar cases where the couple jointly agree they will (or will not) have children, and then one changes his/her mind.

That said, there’s something about the tenor of this and many other discussions on this forum that sets my teeth on edge. Perhaps it’s the unspoken suggestion that women are interchangeable units, and they (we) are just hanging around waiting for a man, any man!
If one woman doesn’t work for you, just go get another!

Having worked in an industry where knowledge workers started to be treated as interchangeable units, I am pretty sensitive to anything where people are not seen as individual, but rather just units that fit a category...

I realize that the boating population leans heavily to the male side, but seeing women very often referred to as a category (“the wife” or “the girlfriend”) rather than as an individual is hard to take.

 

[Pete Meisinger]

When I see my wife down cleaning in the bilge, or under the boat sanding and painting, or fighting to put the winter tarp on the boat on a cold windy day, or rained in playing chess or poker all afternoon, or any of the not so pleasant boating challenges, I literally thank God for Her.

I guess in your case it is time for a new girlfriend, sorry

pete

 

[Fletcher500]

Hmm, as one of the ladies....it’s not about the boat, it’s about honesty in a relationship. I’ve seen similar cases where the couple jointly agree they will (or will not) have children, and then one changes his/her mind.

That said, there’s something about the tenor of this and many other discussions on this forum that sets my teeth on edge. Perhaps it’s the unspoken suggestion that women are interchangeable units, and they (we) are just hanging around waiting for a man, any man!
If one woman doesn’t work for you, just go get another!

Having worked in an industry where knowledge workers started to be treated as interchangeable units, I am pretty sensitive to anything where people are not seen as individual, but rather just units that fit a category...

I realize that the boating population leans heavily to the male side, but seeing women very often referred to as a category (“the wife” or “the girlfriend”) rather than as an individual is hard to take.

Your points are valid, and probably one of the reasons we don't have a lot of females on this website.

 

[SteveK]

Hmm, as one of the ladies....it’s not about the boat, it’s about honesty in a relationship. I’ve seen similar cases where the couple jointly agree they will (or will not) have children, and then one changes his/her mind.

That said, there’s something about the tenor of this and many other discussions on this forum that sets my teeth on edge. Perhaps it’s the unspoken suggestion that women are interchangeable units, and they (we) are just hanging around waiting for a man, any man!
If one woman doesn’t work for you, just go get another!

Having worked in an industry where knowledge workers started to be treated as interchangeable units, I am pretty sensitive to anything where people are not seen as individual, but rather just units that fit a category...

I realize that the boating population leans heavily to the male side, but seeing women very often referred to as a category (“the wife” or “the girlfriend”) rather than as an individual is hard to take.

Partner is the new PC word for a couple, a man/woman and other.
Sue, you are unique in boating, if not in other things too. However every successful partner/couple I have seen share the same interest and that is what makes boating or any other pastime as a partner/couple successful.

Perhaps it’s the unspoken suggestion that women are interchangeable units, and they (we) are just hanging around waiting for a man, any man!
If one woman doesn’t work for you, just go get another!

Here we disagree in the context you have placed it. If it ain't working and the only fix is splitting then sooner is better than later. I was 25 years with the previous wife and in hindsight we should have split at 15, the writing was on the wall, but think of the children and waste away 10 years being unhappy. That was the one thing we agreed on in the end.

 

[markpierce]

Who will remember you when you pass if you don't have children, grandchildren, or living siblings?

Grandpa and grandson Bodhi heading toward Carquinez Strait along Benicia:

 

[phillippeterson]

It's very foreign to me, not being able to talk about this like adults. I don't understand it.

Hmmmm. Don't ignore what you're seeing here. It's hard to quit something you have invested in (in this case a relationship). I know it's hard to move on because you'll be hurting somebody.

This, too, shall pass!

 

[OldDan1943]

Obviously, I am the replaceable 'unit'.

 

[Lepke]

Get another girlfriend. She's with you because she wants an easy life. Living on a boat and cruising isn't as easy as a house. Plus she can't convince you to marry, later divorce and get the boat, she wants a house.
Find one that likes boats now. But she will have a different set of problems, all women do.

 

[catalinajack]

Sounds like a woman who thought she could change you once she had her hooks in you. Not an unusual story. It's either her or you give up boating. It's as simple as that.

I’ve got a great girlfriend of about two years whom I love, but she’s decided she wants absolutely nothing to do with the cruiser lifestyle. Won’t live on a boat. Won’t travel on a boat. Won’t vacation on a boat. Refuses to even spend one night on a boat.

I was up front when we met that cruising is my retirement plan. Told her this before our first date and she was receptive, but has now changed her mind. I want to see the world but I love the comforts of my own home. Don’t really like hotels and despise commercial air travel. Figure I’ll buy a floating home I can take with me.

It’s not for lack of comfort here. I’m looking at power catamarans in the 80 foot range. Some of them have more square feet than my house. Anyway, it’s come down to an ultimatum and it seems I’m the bad guy for choosing the boat. Really I’m choosing a lifestyle I’ve dreamed of and been working toward for about two decades now.

Has anyone had to make a similar choice? How’d it turn out? I’m content to do this alone if I must, I quite enjoy my own company, but I sure would love a good woman by my side. I’ll have to let this one go, sadly, but there’s a part of me that wonders if finding a cruising partner will be more difficult than I thought.

 

[koliver]

"Wifey B: My hubby and I didn't say till death or better or any of the normal thing, but "as long as it works for both of us." Been 20 great years so far and can't imagine it ever ending. "
Neither did we, but we went further and wrote vows in which it was often repeated "If I have to, I will" to the point that the minister at the end said I now pronounce you man and wife, I guess, if I have to.

Red Green meets Trawler Forum.
Red Letter Day!

 

[RT Firefly]

Greetings,
Mr. k. I had exactly the same thought. Thanks.

 

[RT Firefly]

Greetings,
You get the strongest longest lasting connections when the nut and bolt are properly matched. You might be able to jamb a 1/4-20 nut onto a 1/4-28 bolt but it's going to fail at some point. All the JB weld or Locktite on the shelf isn't going to make the bond any stronger in spite of appearances.